A friend recently asked me how it was I came to not believe in God (we’re talking here about a theistic/deistic conception of God), and after some reflection, I decided to share my story with you… so here it is — how I came to not believe…
My parents were Catholic, and when I was a kid we went to church pretty regularly. I remember as early as CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes thinking to myself, “Oh there is really something wrong here.” I would repeatedly corner my teacher with questions like, “So you mean… um… people that aren’t Christian are going to hell?” Yes. ”You mean all Hindus are going to hell?” Yes. ”You mean all Muslims are going to hell?” Yes. “You mean Jewish people are going to hell?” Yes. (continue ad nauseam)… I think I was about 6 or 7 at this time, and I remember the teacher getting more annoyed with me than I felt she ought to.
I also remember that at my first confession I told the priest I’d cursed 3 times in the previous week and that I wasn’t sure God existed. He told me I had to have faith — it wasn’t much of an answer, I thought, and it certainly didn’t warrant the kind of confidence people seemed to have in their beliefs. I remember thinking, “Wow, how can people be so sure on so little information?” At that age, around 10-11 I guess, based on what I had learned, there seemed little reason to believe all of the magical stuff I was being told — that virgins could have babies, that people could rise from the dead — and I certainly didn’t see any reason to believe the Catholic’s magical stuff any more than the Hindu’s or the palm reader’s magical stuff…
Then, around 15, I remember telling my mom I didn’t believe in God. I remember being really really scared, and that her reaction scared me even more. She told me I was wrong, that I did believe. She said I was confused. It was the first (and only) time she completely and utterly rejected my thoughts and feelings. I tried to reassure her that, no, I really did not believe in God and that I wasn’t confused — but that it was okay, I was still a good person. I remember telling her that it was my “goodness” that made me a non-believer. I just couldn’t believe in a God that seemed to me so petty and cruel and demanding — a being who needed to be worshipped so badly that if you didn’t believe — FLUSH! — down you go to hell…
I remember a lot of people in those days trying to use Pascal’s Wager on me. I would typically respond with something like, “Well any God that is so narrow-minded that only Christians go to heaven, I don’t want to be with in the afterlife. I’ll go to hell just out of camaraderie with the Buddhists and Muslims and Native Americans and Hindus… I’ll go to hell just out of protest.” That always seemed to shut people up.
So, I guess you could say the doctrine of hell played a large part in my early atheist years, a close second was “the problem of evil.” People were always going on about God’s plan and whatnot. I would respond with something like, “Well if God has a plan and if He knows everything, He knew that Adam would eat the apple, God knew man would Fall, He knew we would have rape and murder and incest — and He knew all of this would happen even before he created the world! What an asshole!” That would shut people up too.
Sometimes folks would try to sell me on Jesus and how special and loving he was. I told them if I believed I was the Son of God and that all the world’s current and future population’s eternal salvation was dependant on me being killed, then no problemo — bring it on. I would gladly die to save everyone (including myself) and give them eternal life and happiness… I mean, who wouldn’t? What’s so special about Jesus?
Eventually, as I learned more about human psychology and compared what I learned to what I read in the Bible (and other “holy” texts) I realized all of this god-stuff was really just man-stuff made supernatural. It was a response to our fears and hopes and desires and all the many questions that are unanswered in our lives. So my atheism was initially just a reaction to the “popular” image of God, but now it goes a bit deeper (if atheism is even the right word). It seems to me that all the “other worldly” stuff that so many folks leap to believing in — ghosts, talking to the dead, new-age healing — they are just so many expressions of the same psychological impulses that make people cling to the “mainstream” image of God. The more I learn about neuroscience and anthropology and evolutionary psychology — the more i see so clearly where all these beliefs come from, how the whole puzzle of our supernatural present is the result of our natural past.
In the last stages of my atheism, I’ve become quite comfortable with not having answers, in being able to leave things unexplained. I don’t grant my assent easily; I reserve judgement; I wait for more information. And in the comfort of not needing answers to every question, in my awareness of the wonderful complexity of our minds — notions such as gods and demons and angels are so far down on the probability scale that, for me, they all seem a bit silly…
And finally, in a somewhat ironic twist, I have found in the explanatory framework of science what one might call “spiritual” comfort. Like any lost and wandering religious seeker, I have felt human loneliness and alienation… I have suffered yearnings for connection in a disconnected world, the abyss of consumerism in a materially-motivated society, the inability of cash and new clothes to create real happiness… but I have also come to understand why I feel those things. I understand why I seek to transcend the boundaries of my body and to connect with the profound oneness of the universe. And that understanding has not come from holy books or religious hocus pocus, it has come from astronomy and from physics, from biology and sociology, from anthropology and evolutionary psychology. My “soul” has been nourished by my understanding of our greatest scientific achievements, by getting “dirty” with scientific facts, by digging into the complexity and history of our evolving consciousness — and I have come to understand I am not a being seeking to be connected, I am already a connected being…
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