The Great Marzipan Unravelling

I really need to stop watching TV. I had a post loaded up and ready to go about a prayer keychain that was sent my way that had the following message:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen.

I was prepared to talk about how God seemed to be the wrong subject to beg for any of the aforementioned qualities, but now, after another night in front of the idiot box, I find I may need to invoke that prayer to save me from the TV. Or rather to save the TV from being thrown out into oncoming traffic by me. (NOTE: TIW will have a live video feed if this ever happens).

The program — from a reputable TV institution watched by millions — that the idiot box spit out last night was about scary prophecies and the end of the world–which has been coming for some time. If there is one thing you can count on, it is that the world is coming to an end. At the forefront of the scary prophecies of doom and gloom, were the Mayans and their deadline of winter solstice 2012, AKA the “2012 Problem.”  I was prepared to listen, because aside from being stunning astronomers, the Mayans have always had style. So sitting there on 12.19.15.17.16(Mayan Long Count) at approximately 9PM I was surprised to see the shows focus switch to the internet and something called “The Bot Project.”

Claiming to tap into the collective unconscious of the universe, this “bot” scours the internet for particular “end of days” keywords and attempts to make predictions. And it is coming back with an alarming number of scary prophecies. It used to make stock predictions and apparently when it got so accurate on that, they decided to turn the microscope inward to figure out how much longer we had until the hellfire engulfed us and perfectly respectful bloggers ran the streets throwing TV sets into oncoming traffic. In summer of 2001 it foretold that a major calamitous event would take place in the next 60-90 days. Out from the digital array of common words on the screen (marzipan, stock, TV, Britney Spears) the following 3 words are singled out in contrast:  New York, wahabi, Fire in the sky…and there’s your 9/11 link.

At this point I nearly swallowed my tongue and Mrs. Skarpowsky had to restrain me from doing physical harm to both myself and the TV. I immediately went to my notebook and scribbled down: Marzipan.

How idiotic is this? Almost as idiotic as my blogging about it. But to take as your dataset, the Internet, and work it around into some sort of doomsday hypothesis is the epitome of begging the question. The internet is, after all, a creation of man: as much as the Bible, the Stock Market, or the Mayan Long Count. It would be lovely to see what sort of logic and parsing the bot had to do to predict 9/11 when our own government was unable to do so. The inaction of the bot to warn us adequately is another discussion. And the lack of loose Nigerian women in financial need showing up at my door with erection pills and fake Rolexes should be enough to disprove this bunk. At any rate, you should be scared, because…

Now the bot is lining up on the Mayan’s side, predicting a worldwide calamity in 2012–the alignment of ancient and modern technology. Nevermind the fact that it is in dispute that the Mayan event of 2012 is considered an impending disaster and moreso a coming of a new era. What does this have to do with Marzipan you may ask? Everything and nothing. Because for my money, it is as logical to pick that word out of the bot’s matrix,  while we all sit huddled around our broken TV sets and waiting for the great unravelling.

10 Responses

  1. First! Yeah, I saw that program too… the History Channel is really sinking, imo… Bible Code this, Nostradamus that… and i love (read hate) how the absolutely non-predictive nature of these “predictions” never seem to sway the believers that what they believe is a load of nonsense…

  2. Wow, we gave up real cable years ago, back when the History Channel was the World War II Channel (“All Nazis, All the Time”). So now the History Channel is marketing scary prophecies along with the talking heads on the news channels, huh? Sounds like a zeitgeist to me.

    I’ll make a prediction: their ratings went up.

  3. We got a Wii for Christmas and now when the TV is on it’s on that. So much better than cable TV. Plus, we have it somehow (not the techie in my house) synced up with the internert or something there’s a Wii News Channel and a Wii Weather Channel. If it weren’t for 24 hour HOUSE repeats, I’d never switch it off.

    There was some Nostradamus crap on a month ago or so and something about he predicted that in 1999 something calamatous would happen in the new city. And if you change the numbers and say what he meant was 9111 then it works out to predict 9/11/01. So what I really meant when I was 10 saying I was going to grow up and perform on Broadway was that if Broadway means PA and perform means “work in a lab”, then that means I’m a mother freaking psychic and hit that nail square on the head🙂

  4. i think Nostrodomus predicted the Crashing Bores will change their name to the Great Marzipan…..

  5. Megan, Nostradamus was on again last night talking about guess what: 2012. I didn’t watch it. Ever since he predicted that the blue sultan would conquer the son of a great leader, I have found him to be totally unreliable. BTW, for more scary shit that people believe just look up “nostradamus saddam hussein” on the internet search engine of your choice. Amazing that the bot could come up with any other prediction than those that it did.

    Your editors would like to announce that TIW will be hosting a Winter Solstice 2012 Bikini Contest to celebrate our impending peril. Marzipan will be served. First prize: throwing a TV set into oncoming traffic while we blog about it.

  6. One of your readers would like to propose a Winter Solstice Speedo contest instead, since you guys probably don’t look good in bikinis.

    Then again, it could be held in New Orleans; which is used to dealing with apocalyptic moments AND guys in bikinis.

  7. TIW is nothing if not Equal Opportunity. We will officially change the title to “Swimsuit” competition and include all sexes, races and species. And for the record, I look smashing in my tank-ini.

    New Orelans would be the ideal place for this.

  8. My dad suggested, in 2007, that Ziggy Stardust made the same prediction with the song “5 Years”. Which was really released in 1972 but if in 1972 he meant to be making a prediction that in 2007 we’d have 5 years left…then he was right too.

  9. As a diehard Zoolander fan, I am sure that David Bowie is always right. In some sense.

    Do burkas count as swimsuits?

  10. Nice post. I learn something totally new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon on
    a daily basis. It will always be helpful to read through articles from other writers and practice something from
    their web sites.

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